When kyah met judy
CW: This story involves a stillbirth.
It was the morning of June 13th, 2024.
I'd just finished feeding my eldest son breakfast when I realised I hadn't felt Judy move all morning.
I messaged my partner Charlie and after a chocolate bar and a coffee in a desperate attempt to get her to move I called him to come home so I could go get checked out up at the MAU.
A pit opened up in my stomach at this point, part of me knew what they were going to tell me. No matter how badly I wanted to be wrong, I just knew.
"What if it's something bad" I whispered, almost crying to Charlie after he arrived home.
Half an hour later I arrived at the MAU, I kissed Henry and Charlie goodbye "I’m sure I'll be in and out," I said to them trying to push aside the thought racing through my head.
I was quickly taken back and hooked up to the CTG monitoring, the nurses face grew worried as she pushed the moniter around my stomach searching for a heartbeat.
She landed on a heartbeat 138 bpm the screen read, I thought for a moment my worries had been just that, worries.
Until she told me she believed the heartbeat she'd picked up was mine.
Seconds later three doctors entered the room, they bought out the ultrasound machine and I was promised they'd tell me as soon as they visualised the heartbeat.
At this point I knew, I knew before the words "Kyah, I'm so sorry, your baby has died" left her mouth.
I knew the whole time but to have it confirmed. My world came crashing down.
All around me I heard the heartbeats of baby's sitting safely in their mothers wombs, the nurses began rushing around telling all the other rooms to turn down the volume on their monitors.
Then the worst part came, I had to call Charlie and tell him his baby girl had died.
He arrived at the hospital in what felt like 5 minutes, his eyes with maybe the slightest glimmer of hope in them "there's nothing, their sure ?" He said, letting himself believe for a moment that maybe he'd misheard me, maybe they'd be wrong. All I could do was look at him and cry "there's nothing, they are sure".
Meanwhile, Henry danced around that cold white hospital room clutching his bunny tight.
We just held each other and waited for my parents to arrive to collect him.
Another scan triple confirmed that she had passed, grevience councilers came to talk to us and we were told we'd be sent home that night and to come back in the morning to start the induction process.
I didn't want to go home, to carry my baby I couldn't keep safe around inside me any longer, to see her room that she'd never come home to ready and waiting, her first outfit already picked out and henrys big brother jumper hanging proudly on the wall.
How was I supposed to survive this.
I asked for a c-section, but was gently refused.
So off home we went with broken hearts, still completely numb to every parents worst nightmare that was about to become our reality.
June 14th at 8am we headed into the hospital once again, "were here for the wattle room" we told the desk and were quickly whisked away through corridors of crying baby's.
Soon a doctor came to speak to us, I'd be given mifaprestone today and then I'd come back on Sunday to have my waters broken.
We went home, feeling defeated once more. We never made it to Sunday.
Saturday morning at 4:30 am I began contracting all on my own, we arrived at the hospital at 8:30 and was born silently into a room so full of love at 10:54 am.
My birthing experience was so peacful, I remember minutes before she was born, still waiting for my own mum to arrive I told the midwife I wasn't ready.
"I know" she said, I couldn't have asked for a better midwife to guide me through what I thought would be the scariest day of my life.
When Judy was born, she was every bit as perfect and beautiful as I'd imagined for the last 8 months, she had golden blond hair and the most beautiful cherry coloured lips. She just looked asleep.
She was placed upon my chest just like they did when her big brother was born.
Every fear I had leading up to her birth was instantly wiped away. I had done what I thought to be impossible. I had birthed my angel and she was beautiful.
What do you wish you knew before birth?
That if you're going through a stillbirth and have had a previous live birth they will treat you exactly the same, they still place baby on you for skin to skin and tell you how beautiful they are.
They still refer to you as mum and dad and treat your baby with such care and tenderness.
If you could, would you do anything differently?
I wouldn't do a single thing differently, I'm so glad I was persuaded to have a vaginal birth.
I think I would have regretted not being awake to watch her be born and then missing out on precious hours we could have spent together in recovery, terribly.
What did your partner do that really helped during labour/birth?
Charlie was so present and supportive throught Judy's birth, just the same as he had been with Henrys.
He stayed so strong for us and was absolutely my rock throught it all.
I'll never forget him holding her for the first time after she was born and whispering to me "im a girl dad now".
To have everyone treat her birth just the same as they would a live birth was something I appreciated so much.
What advice/honest truth would give a mama-to-be about birth?
I know you're scared and that's ok but you'll make it out the other side and I promise you'll be so proud of yourself you'll forget all about how scared you were.