I fell pregnant with my second son when Zack (my first born) was just 10 months old. Life was easy, I felt like myself again, and I felt so ready to have another baby. We fell pregnant very easily this time around. It was meant to be. My pregnancy was relatively cruisey this time around. I never got the facial pain I had with Zack, I was able to stay active during my pregnancy, and my mental health remained fine throughout. However, as I got bigger, I started to develop varicose veins quite badly in my left foot. They were painful. Eventually more came out in my left thigh and in my vulva. I was very uncomfortable. The doctors just kept telling me to drink water, be active, rest, keep my leg up in the air when I can and that nothing would be able to be done until after the baby arrived as this was just pregnancy and hereditary all at play here. I felt so self-conscious. 

On the 28th of January, I went into work for a seminar. I could feel intense pressure on my spine, to the point where there was a lump in my lower back. Presumably from the position of baby. I had my co-workers all worried that I was about to labour at any moment. I lost my mucus plug later that night. 

The next morning at 3:37 I woke abruptly to what I could only identify as contractions. I immediately took myself to the lounge room so I wouldn’t wake my husband. They were consistent, and slowly getting more painful. My husband took work off and dropped our son off to daycare, just in case. But, by 2pm they had tapered off. I felt really deflated.  

I took myself to bed around 10:30pm. But by 11:48 I was woken by the worst contraction pain yet; it launched me out of bed and onto all fours. Now, THIS was the real deal. Surely. I let a few more come before I woke my husband to inform him that maybe now was the real deal. I was so unsure still, that he near forced me to call my midwife and my step-mum to let them know we were going to the hospital. 

On the car drive, I had two really long contractions but was able to talk through them. This was such a different experience than my time with Zack. I was so calm. When we arrived at the hospital, I kept having contractions, but I just pushed through them, desperate to get to the room. Even my midwife was calm, we thought this was early labour. She was still setting up the room as it was busy, and the last lady had only just left. 

My water broke when I arrived at the hospital. Again, it was just a trickle. We were unsure whether it actually was my waters, so they tested the fluids to confirm. 

I remember begging for the epidural not long after our arrival and my midwife said she would check me as soon as she could and then we would go from there. When she finally checked me, she looked up to me and said, “I have good news and I have bad news”. Damn. She was about to send me home, wasn’t she. “The bad news is - you’re not leaving the hospital tonight. The good news is, you’re fully dilated.”

Shortly after this check, my body began to involuntarily convulse. I can only liken the feeling to how you feel when you’re spewing. That surge of complete uncontrollable pushing. Except this time, it was the other end. My body was pushing baby out. I had my bed upright and was leaning over the back of it whilst a VERY patient midwife tried to put a cannula in. This was due to my PPH last baby - a safety precaution. But I was moving so much, and in my own world, the poor lady didn’t succeed until the baby was near out. 

I felt the head come out halfway, and with it - this intense pain. I recognised it from all the stories I’d heard. The ring of fire. So delicately named. Then, bub’s head went back in, and I felt my baby turn and come back out again. Same pain. Holy wow!! It was intense. 

Next push, his head was out. Ahhhh, a slight bit of relief. 

Next push, and the baby fell out of me, along with the rest of my waters. I sat back and picked up my son. He was so slippery. The midwife helped me to rub bub’s back to hear him cry. Then I was helped to roll over and lay there with my son. Instantly he inched towards the breast and began to feed. This was insane. He was here. 

This time around, baby was completely fine. Nothing needed to be checked, he could simply just have skin to skin. It was so healing! I bled maybe 300mL or something, which was a huge relief. And I had minimal stitches for a few tears (at first, they started suturing when I wasn’t numb. That was up there with the worst pain I felt that day - says a lot! What a breeze it had been). I remember being more upset about not being warned about the anus check, whilst the other midwife popped some toast on a table I couldn’t reach! Haha! 

Once I was sorted, I showered, sat on the bed and felt overwhelmed with just how great I felt. So, this is how it is supposed to be!? This birth was incredibly healing and so simple in comparison to my first. We were sent home shortly after. Bub had minor concerns from pregnancy with his kidney (which ended up fixing itself) - so we waited for that review and then were on our way. I had two beautiful sons. I was on cloud nine. 

However, my recovery and postpartum journey with Beau was the worst. I had severe postnatal anxiety and depression. It all started when my eldest son kept bringing home gastro from Daycare. I have a huge phobia of vomit. This sent me into a spin. I would lock myself and Beau in my room and not be able to go near Zack, hug him, eat, or drink. I was a mess. Eventually, my supply began to suffer. I wouldn’t leave the house. I needed help. I reached out to some loved ones, and after I was made fun of, I completely retracted from a lot of people and began to pretend I was fine and hide out. I finally sought help at 18 months postpartum, when I felt like the only way to escape this extreme fear was a visit to hospital. I had never wanted to hurt myself before. I didn’t want to die. I just wanted to be taken away for a few days. That was enough for me to scare myself. 

My doctor immediately put me on medication and got me a therapist. With a lot of visits and unpacking of childhood trauma, and this newfound fear of gastro - I eventually came good. I didn’t think anything could get me out of that “funk”. But, just talking to someone, matched with medication, and being honest with the people around me helped me to get through it. The fear was still there, but I was in control now. 

I often look back and really feel sorry for the postpartum me with Beau. I wish I had sought help sooner. I had heard of postnatal anxiety and depression. But I didn’t know it could show itself in so many different ways.

What do you wish you knew before birth?

Just how hard it all is. I think prior to having my first son, I thought I knew it all. I had all these idealisms in my head about how I would parent and what I should expect as a first time mum. But, It was a shock to the system. I found the transition from 0-1 really tough at first because I expected so much of myself. So, I wish I could go back and just remind myself that I don't know what I am in for, and that's ok. And, to take it all as it comes and allow myself some grace and some room to learn and adjust without being so hard on myself or over-worried.

If you could, would you do anything differently?

I'd love to say "nothing". But, the truth is, I wish I had have sought help sooner, or stayed on my medication for all three boys if it meant I would feel as good as I did this time around. I look back on myself postpartum with Beau and I cry, because my heart breaks for myself because of how bad my mental health got. I am just thankful my kids were oblivious to what I was going through. 

What did your partner do that really helped during labour/birth?

Honestly, I am a hands-off type of labourer/birther. I didn't want to be touched. My husband's job was music, take photos if he could (or hand the phone to a nurse who could), and be there for the baby. As soon as the baby came out, particularly with number 1 and 3, he was by their side looking after them whilst I was being looked after from my PPHs and my sons needed extra attention. 

What advice/honest truth would give a mama-to-be about birth?

Go in without any expectations. Just ride the wave. You cannot plan for everything, but you can be informed.