Adrienne Walls-nichols
Tell us a bit about yourself?
I’m Adrienne and this year I turn 39 (WTF). I live in the house my dad grew up in, in the inner north. My dad and his 4 brothers tore through it in their childhood and now my two boys do the same.
Augie is 8 and defies gravity, can climb anything, do anything, learn anything. Eden is almost 6 and may be the purest version of gender neutral and the most loving person on the planet.
I teach graphic design at CIT and UC, and I love it. Life although pretty simple feels insanely fast and during semester I feel stretched as I usually over commit myself to too many classes. But I also wouldn’t haven’t it any other way.
I have an incredibly wonderful family in Canberra. I have two sisters who I am lucky to call friends, they are funny and cool and smart and we all had children at the same time! My parents are the ones everyone wishes they had. They are possibly the most supportive and devoted parents and grandparents to their 5 grandkids.
Life isn’t too exciting, school drop offs, cooking Bolognese, listening to kids long winded stories, breaking up arguments and folding washing is pretty much my existence.
What were you doing before babies?
Looooong before babies I studied graphic design and have worked as a graphic designer since. The year before I first fell pregnant I gave design a rest and managed a little cafe and baked grandma style cakes. I was days off signing a lease to open my own cafe when I found out I was pregnant and that changed the cafe plan.
How did you come to be a mum?
I was a step mum before I was a mum mum! My (now ex) husband was about to become a father when we first started dating. When he told me he was about to be a father of course I had no idea how that would impact on my life. I expected we would have his daughter in our lives, and this would be wonderful and beautiful and I was excited and honoured. And it was wonderful and beautiful but I couldn’t have comprehended how complicated it would be. It was the relationships between us 4 parents that was complicated. There’s not a book on how to do that version of parenting and no role models around to learn from. We lived in Brisbane (my husband and I moved up north to be close to his daughter) and that was the hardest part for me. I really struggled with loving my step daughter but having no rights in the situation, putting in work to make a life and home for her but the lack of stability in the adult relationships made it hard without my stable family relationships.
For the most part we all got along, I was generously welcomed into my step daughters mother’s life in Brisbane and had it been a different situation we would have been friends (and we were close at times), but the emotional intimacy of our lives wasn’t compatible. I didn’t understand boundaries and thought complete sacrifice to the situation was the best way to be a step mum (also took me a while after having Augie to get this right). I was idealistic about what a parent should be (and still was when I had Augie). Which meant I burnt out, I was resentful of the other parents and felt very alone in my role as step mum.
When Augie was born the situation was both more wonderful (Maisie became a big sister!) and more complicated (our immediate priorities shifted and that was a huge adjustment for the two families). It sounds a little dramatic to say everything fell apart, but it felt like that. We had some serious sleep deprivation and I suffered from severe PND in the first year of Augie's life which made it all much harder.
The whole becoming a mum thing was so different to being a step mum, the love was different, the responsibility was different. I felt the change in who I was to the core and the pressure and earth mother expectations I had for myself were ridiculous. I loved our home and life in Brisbane but it was very lonely once Augie was born, I didn’t have a troop of mums around me and I didn’t know how to ask for help as I didn’t really know what I needed (aside from 5 years sleep).
My husband and I made the decision to move back to Canberra when I was pregnant with Eden (number 2) and being back in my home town, in the home my dad had grown up in was like being injected with safety and warmth and security. It was another hard adjustment as we had left his daughter, where as I as returning to where I wanted to be.
It’s not like parenting got easier, or we ran out on to fields of buttercups every morning, but being in Canberra is where I most feel like me and seeing familiar places and faces made parenting and loving myself and my kids much easier. I found my mum tribe in Canberra. It was key to going from surviving to thriving and loving being a parent. Before kids no one could have made me believe there was true deep soul changing benefit to sitting around with a bunch of mums eating and whinging about sleep deprivation. I found my way as a parent in those people.
These days the hard days are few and far between and I’m in that future place I dreamed about when I was a single parent with a 2 year old and 3 month old - that day in the future when they get themselves dressed, play with each other and I more often than not get to go to the toilet alone. It’s kind of awesome.
What has your feeding journey been like?
I have been the glowing bursting breastfeeding earth mother and the no breastmilk formula bottle feeding mother. Both were hard and hurt in different ways.
Augie was exclusively breastfed and it was my favourite part of becoming a mum - once I got the hang of it. But is was so painful and I’m sure like every mother will attest to: so fucken hard to learn how to do! Deflating and frustrating when you can’t get it right and you thought it was some easy natural thing that you’d be good at instantly. Oh what an emotional journey that was.
Eden fed perfectly from birth! Even with a tongue and lip tie. But he had insane reflux which made feeding hard and when my husband and I separated and he moved out when Eden was 3 months old my milk supply pretty much disappeared. I spent 4 months pumping every two hours, I was on all the supplements (scientific and hippy), I smelt like a curry from all the fenugreek I was eating and I lost so much weight. Even with the insane effort to keep breastfeeding Eden politely let me off the hook. He preferred a bottle and never went back. The first time I had to buy formula (with instructions from paediatrician because Eden had lost weight) I sat in front of the formula in woolies and cried. But as soon as I saw my happy full and comfortable baby it was hard not to be deeply grateful that we have a brilliant alternative to breastmilk and deeply grateful to this little guy who was so fine with being loved without breastfeeding.
It ended up being the key to surviving single parenting and an opportunity for Eden to connect with my dad when he fed him his bottle. This was the first baby in our family that was bottle fed and my dad relished in those feedings in the way I did breastfeeding Augie. The relationship Eden and my dad has now is unlike that with anyone else. Even now when my dad looks at Eden it’s with the same focus and love as when he was devotedly feeding him as a baby. Now days we’re on spag bol and cereal! And milk from cups!
What has sleep been like in your house?
I think I have PTSD from our sleep journey.
Augie nearly killed me with sleep deprivation. He literally didn’t stay asleep until he was 3 and a half and had his tonsils out. We did sleep clinics at several ages, sleep training, writing times down, feeding to sleep, not feeding to sleep, melatonin, no sugar – you name it. But in the end it was a personality type and too big tonsils.
Eden was a dream boat, aside from the first 8 months where reflux was the devil (I’m talking holding him upright all night – every night) he slept with me like a hot water bottle and even now would sleep in if he wasn’t woken up by his brother. Much like feeding babies the sleep thing was something I thought I could earth mother my way through. I never expected it to be so so so lonely at night, so quiet, so frustrating. Being tired wasn’t even the worst of it. It was being in the dark alone for hours after walking up and down the hall, rocking and shushing and getting up constantly. It was such a lonely existence.
However Augie being a kid that is up with the birds meant I was at whatever cafe was open at 5.30/6am and I met some of my now closest friends walking in weary eyed with babies strapped to them. There is a breed of mums that stick together long after kids have started sleeping. When you’ve cried into your coffee with each other at 6am there’s something very special in that friendship.
The hardest bits…
Sleep deprivation and sleep training was hands down the hardest. I will never ever do that again.
The best bits…
There’s so many. First day of kindy for both of them, Augie’s hysterical laugh, Edens pre dawn cuddles, seeing their kindness and consideration (when it happens!) fills my heart. My favourite parts have been shared, shared with family and friends – that moment where I get to share how incredible these little people are. Being a single parent means I haven’t always been able to share those moments, so I appreciate when I get to share those moments with people who love the kids too.
How do you make time for you?
The. Gym. Even if I just go and snooze on the floor, it is my favourite place.
What’s next for you and your family?
Get the hang of full time school as Eden has just started Kindy. Finish the third Harry Potter book. Augie wants us to all do Jujutsu all together! Keep up the momentum of these perfect little joyous boys interest in learning and discovery.