Jess wade

Please note - this mama chat mentions issues with infertility and birth trauma.

Tell us a bit about yourself?

My name is Jess, I just turned 30 & I’m from a country city called Dubbo originally (it’s famous for its zoo). I’m a registered nurse by trade, I met my husband online (we’ve been married for 5 years, together for 9) and have one daughter, Zoe, who is almost 3.5!

What were you doing before babies?

I was an intensive care nurse for about 5 years in Sydney and then another 2-3 down here. I never wanted to go back to ICU nursing after having Z but we needed the extra money for her medical bills. I’ve since moved on to practice nursing in GP land! There was once a time before I never saw myself as being a Mum but then I met my husband & he changed my perspective!

How did you come to be a mum?

My journey to becoming a Mum was difficult. I have a long medical history, including type one diabetes and unexplained infertility. We tried for about 18 months before we saw a fertility specialist who said basically I had beautiful big follicles but they were silly & didn’t know how to be fertilised but they weren’t sure why. I had an ovulation induction (trigger shot) and it worked first go so we were very fortunate.

I had a long, complicated pregnancy but ironically not due to my diabetes. I had terrible morning sickness from weeks 6-37 , I caught gastro at week 16 and ended up in hospital , I got migraines for the first time, significant swelling in my legs which was thankfully not a DVT but I was on clexane for the remainder of my pregnancy . The real trouble for me started after a chest infection at 34 weeks.

At 35 weeks I felt like something wasn’t right. I felt like Zoe wasn’t moving as much ( although with an anterior placenta it was always tricky!) and I couldn’t explain it but I felt like she was safer on the outside than inside of me. I was told I was just a first time mum who was very pregnant and since my induction was planned for 37 weeks, it wasn’t too long to go.

Fast forward a couple of weeks, I'd been going back for CTG monitoring twice a week, regular growth scans and it all looked on track but my BP was creeping up. I’d get monitored for a few hours and sent home. 2 days before my induction they decided to do a stretch and sweep.

I was so unwell after the stretch and sweep, I barely made it back to my car , I only felt like eating McDonald’s chips and hubby drove to McDonalds only to have me eat 3-4 and be done. The next day I woke up with vomiting and diarrhoea but stupidly sent hubby off to work. After I spoke to the midwives, I was told I had to come in, they didn’t think I was in labour but something wasn’t right. I went in and it was decided to begin my induction that evening. My induction was started at 8:00 pm. They put the tape in and gave me some Panadeine forte to help me sleep and said goodnight. By the time I settled down, it was getting late. I rolled over and felt fluid in the bed & was excited- they told me it could take days!But then came the fear. I knew nothing about delivering a baby but I knew amniotic fluid wasn’t meant to look like mine. I had meconium in my fluid and I was told my labour couldn’t be left for too long. Fine by me I said! The sooner I got to meet my baby, the better ( ’m not patient!!).

The drip went up about midnight- maybe 1 am, doubling every little while . By 5 am I was begging for an epidural , the gas made me feel sick and disoriented . Thankfully, the anaesthetist was at the hospital and I finally got to have some rest .

I remember waking up about 9. I didn’t feel right. I’m sensitive to narcotics but I had nothing to go on, I’d never had an epidural or delivered a baby! I didn’t know what was normal! By lunchtime, I was about 4 cm and they got me to “sit up” in bed to see if gravity helped. It didn’t . Handover came & the midwife I got , I honestly believe saved my life . She was getting handover and I saw her look at me, look at the monitors, look at my catheter bag and then she said the line I didn’t want to hear “ I’ll just finish getting handover outside” . She walked out and I looked at my husband and said something is wrong . I’ve looked at people the way she looked at me and I’ve said what she said to me.... very sick people I don’t want to worry. Something is wrong.

I will never forget her coming back in, asking me if she could be frank with us. She told me I hadn’t passed urine in 4 hours, what I passed before that was blood. My blood pressure was high, my heart rate too & my temperature was inching up and up. My baby was getting distressed and she had a pretty good feeling, my baby was stuck.

I got reviewed by a doctor eventually and I’d gone from 6 cm back to 4 cm and everything was closing back up. It was c section time.

My poor husband was left packing our bags, calling my Mum, getting changed and accompanying me to theatre . They were cleaning the theatre around me as I was wheeled in.

The next bit was the hardest, I felt so sick. They told me we would begin and it was so painful. They told me it was pressure not pain & the next thing I remember was them holding Zoe up very briefly before taking her away. I didn’t get to hold her. We named her Zoe. I closed my eyes not long after her humidicrib was whisked past me with my husband in tow and in that moment, I honestly believed I would die. I felt so ill. I woke up hours later in recovery.

I first met my baby, hooked up to a million wires and tubes in NICU after begging maternity staff and my husband threatening to push my bed there himself . I didn’t get to hold her until the next day. She was sick but she was here & thats what mattered.

I was discharged a couple of days later and after thankfully a short NICU / SCN stay, Zoe came home 10 days later.

What has your feeding journey been like?

Feeding was hard. I pumped while Z was in NICU , begged to be helped with breast feeding. The closest support I got was a wonderful NICU nurse with a nipple shield and a lactation consultant who gave me a recipe for lactation cookies and never came back.

We converted to formula over the Christmas / NY break when services were limited and mentally I was struggling . It was the best decision I made .

What has sleep been like in your house?

Thankfully, great! Zoe slept through the night from 7 weeks old.

The hardest bits…

Gosh. There was a lot!

I’ll be brutally honest when I say the day Zoe was born was the best and worst day of my life. Honestly the hardest. It left me with such pain and guilt in my heart.I couldn’t look at the photos of the day she was born for 6 months. I have none of her actually being born, our first photos are from NICU, no one offered to take any and we didn’t think to ask. It’s a huge regret for me. I had some counselling which helped .

It was hard too that a lot of my friends were having babies around the same time & I know they had their own struggles but they couldn’t relate to my experience so it was very isolating.

We also found out after 7 weeks in a pavlik harness for suspected hip dysplasia, Zoe didn’t have hip dysplasia but in fact a genetic abnormality affecting muscle tone.

And now she’s older ... the tantrums suck! And the sass!

The best bits…

Outweigh the bad!

The giggles I love, the first time she said Mama & I love you. We love to bake together & seeing how proud she was when she learnt to crack an egg.

My favourite thing is to watch her sleep though, she looks so peaceful & content.

I love that she’s taught me so much about being more and being better. She has made me fierce in ways I didn’t know possible and softer in ways I didn’t realise either.

How do you make time for you?

I like to craft, I have a cricut and I’m learning to sew but ironically, I love to go to work. I was never cut out to be a stay at home Mum & I find so much happiness in my job, connecting with people & being somebody other than Mum for a little bit.

What’s next for you and your family?

We would like to have a second baby but infertility is a hard journey so we will wait and see! Hopefully lots of camping trips & buying a property this year would be nice!!