Tell us a bit about yourself?

My names Ashlee, I’m 26 and a Mumma to one beautiful boy named Atlas. I always struggle with questions asking about myself these days because other then “mum to Atlas” I don’t know who I am, but I’m working on changing that over this year and finding who I am now after becoming a mum. 

What were you doing before babies/children?

Before I became a mum I was working as a senior leading a small team and I spent most of my free time just making memories with the people I love and now I’m doing the same just in a different way. 

What has your feeding journey been like?

I always thought that I’d be able to have my baby on only breastmilk and I was determined to do my best to make sure that happened. I had done all the research, found the best pumps, look up all the lactation recipes. I was so sure!

Things changed after my son was born when he couldn’t breathe properly and was whisked away to Sydney children’s holiday for immediate heart surgery. When he got out, his lungs collapsed and he was sent to the intensive care unit and placed on breathing masks and hooked up to machines to keep him alive until his body gave the chance to heal and start fighting for itself and I couldn’t hold him, I couldn’t pick him up and I couldn’t breastfeed him.

Not being able to hold him and the stress quickly depleted my milk supply. I knew I could try to go away to pump in the pumping rooms but things changed with him so fast that I was too scared to leave his bedside. Since then, we have formula fed and my baby is thriving on formula. I’ve dealt with a lot of stigma around giving him formula and because he’s sick I get even more comments about it. “If he’s sick you should be giving him a better chance with breastmilk”. I tried pumping every two hours every day once we got home but it was so mentally draining to pump for 20 minutes and have 2 mls from both sides together. I was defeated by it. 

What has sleep been like in your house?

I’m not sure what sleep is anymore haha 

Atlas slept like a trooper from 6 weeks old he would sleep 5 hour stints and then that went to him only waking once a night and then at 6 months that completely went down hill and now most nights he wakes every 1-2 hours and it will take anywhere from 20 -45 minutes to settle him. On the night he doesn’t do that, he will wake up around midnight and not go back to sleep till 3 am. So we are in struggle city.

The hardest bits…

The hardest bits other and than my sons health conditions would be completely losing my sense of self. 

I don’t know who I am anymore, mentally and physically. I can’t walk past mirrors without looking down because I can’t stand catching a glimpse of who I am now, I don’t know who she is…

The best bits…

The best thing in the world is knowing you’re this little humans complete sense of comfort and safety. That he knows everything’s okay when his in my arms and when I have him in my arms I know everything’s going to be okay too, his become my comfort and my safety as well.

What’s next for you and your family?

What’s next for us is another heart surgery next week and after that we aren’t sure, we take every day as it comes and just enjoy every moment we have as a family. Everything else will fall into place, I know it will.