Kristen Kelland

Tell us a bit about yourself?

I’m a 34-year-old born and bred Canberran and first time mama. I’m doing life with my partner of five years Ryan, our five-month-old daughter Tilly and floofball, Frank. I love a good book, a good cup of coffee and a good glass of wine.

I joined the Cbrmamas team a few months ago and am absolutely loving working with Yas and Lauren to help build this amazing community of mamas. I am very lucky to have found something that allows me to combine my love of being a mum with my passion of being creative.

What were you doing before babies?

Sleeping in on the weekends, peeing alone and not entirely dependent on coffee to function.

No, but seriously…I had a job that I absolutely loved, which was running a social media/events/comms team, so I was putting a lot of myself into that.

I also looove my food so would enjoy going out for dinner, drinks and some live music. Ah the freedom, I didn’t appreciate it as much as I should have at the time!

How did you come to be a mum?

I am a massive planner and preparer, so before we started trying I went and got all my bloods checked and even did a genetic carrier screening test. Everything looked good so we started trying. I had an app to track my ovulating but we were quite casual about it, not putting any pressure on ourselves and realistic that it might take awhile.

After a few months trying, I got pregnant..but sadly had a miscarriage. I naively thought something like that would never happen to me and didn’t actually realise how common it is until it did.

The miscarriage was the most devastating experience of my life. Even though I was surrounded by amazing love and support from my partner, family and friends, it was still an extremely lonely place. You feel like your body has failed you. You wonder what might of been and of course, why me. Why us.

With some time and space to feel all the feelings and cry all the tears, I felt ready to start trying again after couple of months and so did my partner.

There was nothing ‘casual’ about trying to get pregnant the next time around, I stopped drinking, tracked my ovulation with a machine and became completely consumed by it. I didn’t expect the weight of trying to conceive to be so heavy. I felt everywhere I looked I saw babies and I had that lingering thought in the back of my head that maybe I couldn’t even have children.

Thankfully, I got pregnant again and although the miscarriage robbed me of an innocent first pregnancy, I decided not to let the anxiety of something potentially bad happening with this pregnancy to consume me and affect how I felt about this baby. So, we chose to celebrate and spread the news as soon as we found out. Like I’m talking, as soon as we found out. I wanted to shout it from the rooftops and for everyone to celebrate this baby from the very beginning, as we didn’t get that chance with the first pregnancy. I was grateful to have a straight forward pregnancy and in the end we got our beautiful rainbow baby Tilly and I believe I am a stronger mum for her, because of everything that happened.

What has your feeding journey been like?

Not gooooood. We had lots of things working against both of us from the beginning, which ultimately led to Tilly being formula fed.

Unfortunately my milk never came in because of the traumatic birth and not being able to hold Tilly and get that crucial skin-on-skin action until she was three days old because she was rigged up with breathing tubes and wires in the NICU. Then, when it came to actually trying to breast feed, she was a “lazy drinker” because she had been tube fed and the little milk I had was too much effort for her to get. Top that all off with a severe tongue tie (which luckily got sorted early on) and you have yourself a breast feeding shit show!

We tried everything to get my milk to come in and for Tilly to latch. I was on medication, we did nipple shields, fed what little milk I could get from pumping through a syringe into the side of her mouth while encouraging her to latch, fed milk through a tube into the nipple shield so she got maximum return for her limited effort…and pumped…and pumped…and pumped. Feeding quickly became a very stressful experience for us both. I’d be crying, she’d be screaming into my nipple.

In the end, my supply just didn’t increase and she never latched properly so I gave myself permission to stop trying for both our well-beings. Once the decision was made I felt like a huge weight had been lifted off my shoulders and we were able to focus on enjoying our time together a lot more.

What has sleep been like in your house?

Tilly is a pretty good sleeper. She’s a very independent baby - she has barely needed any rocking or soothing to be put to sleep since a newborn, so I feel very fortunate in that department!

One perk of bottle feeding is that my partner can help with the overnight or early morning feeds, which has made a huge difference for my sleep.

I will say that OH MY GOD those first six weeks of sleep deprivation is next level. I was so delirious and couldn’t comprehend the simplest of things! No wonder they use sleep deprivation as a form of torture, it’s brutal.

The hardest bits…

Tilly’s birth and her first day earth-side has been the hardest part for me so far.

I didn’t get that magical moment you picture you’ll have when you meet your baby for the first time. I didn’t even get to hold her. Instead, she was whisked away with my partner into another room to get resuscitated and I was left getting stitched up not knowing what was happening. Once I got in there with them, I thought we were watching our beautiful baby slip away from us. But thanks to the amazing doctors she was stabilised and able to be transferred to NICU.

Our first two nights as a family were spent apart. Myself in hospital, Tilly in NICU and Ryan at home because he wasn’t allowed to stay. We were able to hold Tilly for the first time after three days, but because of COVID we had that moment separately. We also had to visit her and spend time with her separately. So yeah, that was extremely tough but Tilly made a great recovery and has no long-term issues which we are extremely grateful for.

I also find one of the other hardest parts about being a mum is the huge mental load that you carry.

The best bits…

How much happiness Tilly brings into our lives. She can make any moment special.

How I feel like she is teaching me to be the best version of myself just as much as I’m teaching her how to do life.

Watching my partner as a dad, hearing him read her books, sing her a song and make her laugh KILLS MY HEART and makes me want to have 10 more babies!

I also can’t go past those quiet moments at home where it’s just the two of us, I cherish those moments because its passing me by so quickly.

How do you make time for yourself?

I’m a shocker for staying up late instead of getting some sleep so I can have some “me time”. That’s my time to watch something mindless on TV and do my Cbrmamas work. Pair that with a glass of red wine or a cup of tea and you’ve got yourself a party!

What’s next for you and your family?

At the moment I am just focusing on enjoying life and mat leave with Tilly. We’ll hopefully be buying a house soon after looking for the past two years.

If you could talk to your pre baby/kid self, what advice would you give?

Everyone will tell you that time goes quick, and holy moly it really does. So take in ALL the moments, write stuff down so you don’t forget the little things and don’t wish the hard days away because she’ll never be that small again. Oh and take more photos and videos of yourself with Tilly because you’ll cherish them forever.

Lastly, on your darkest of days, you will be stronger than you ever thought you could be.