Krissy tells her birth story in her own words…

Going into my birth, I was open minded. I didn’t have a “plan” and knew what would be would be. I felt I knew my options and was just going to throw myself at the mercy of the midwives and the doctors. I’d done my research, as well as a calm birthing course. I’d heard the good and the not-so-good stories about other births. I knew how bad it could get, so I felt I was as prepared as I could be.

But nothing could have prepared me for what came. For the birth trauma. For the day my daughter was born being the best and worst day of my life. For the world of NICU. For being pushed to my absolute limits, and then a bit further.

But let me take you back to the beginning first.

I went into labour around 2am on my due date. I’d had a stretch and sweep and acupuncture the morning before, because I was 100000% done with the half whale/half woman state I was in.

I spent my early labour at home, watching TV while trying to remain calm and bouncing on my ball. I made many calls to the midwives throughout the day thinking…hoping… it was time to come in, but they urged me to stay at home as long as I could because I was still having “mild contractions” and my waters hadn’t broken.

Around 7pm we decided to go in as things started to ramp up a little bit. Once I got to hospital I was offered a sleeping pill to help me get some rest as they said I was still having “mild contractions”. At the time I remember thinking…MILD? I’ll give you MILD!

So, I took the sleeping pill without hesitation but unfortunately it didn’t help me sleep, instead it just made me quite dazed out. So I just sat on a chair in the shower with the water running over me, working through my contractions like a little space cadet.

A couple of hours later my waters ended up breaking, and after a minor freak out because I thought I was bleeding out, I was moved into the birthing suite. From there I spent the next five (or so) hours labouring in the bath sucking on gas. Because of my calm birthing course, I was able to completely go into my own zone. I barely spoke the entire time I was in there. All I would say to my partner, who was trying to stay awake in a shower chair, was “more warm water” when the bath got cold.

Despite hoping to make it through without an epidural, it all got too much for me and I requested they hit me with the good stuff ASAP. This was around 4am. The epidural slowed down my labour quite a bit, but I was grateful it gave me some time to rest and regain my energy - especially for what was to come.

When it was finally time to push, the epidural had started to wear off so I could feel the contractions. I ended up pushing for almost two hours, in many different positions, with not much progress. I felt like my entire body was going to explode but I just wasn’t getting anywhere. Words of encouragement and support from my partner and midwife only went so far. I was putting everything I had into each push, but I was losing energy fast.

Tilly’s heart rate then dropped and she had become in distress, so the OB came in and thats when things went from 0 to 100. I was told she was stuck and they needed to get her out quickly. It all happened so fast, and looking back it is still a bit of a blur. He said he would first use the vacuum and if that didn’t work he would use the forceps.

I knew things weren’t going great as more and more people started to fill the room.

When the vacuum didn’t work, the OB then quickly gave me an episiotomy and used the forceps. Thankfully, after the help of forceps she was “unstuck” and I reached down and pulled her the rest of the way out myself. It was was so primal and something I am pretty proud of, because even though I had a lot of intervention to get her to that point, I pulled her out myself in the end.

But, as soon as I put her on my chest I knew something was wrong. There was no first cry and she was whisked away from me before I could even get a proper look at her.

She was placed on the little baby bed beside me. I yearned to hear that first cry. The OB and midwives kept me distracted, calmy reassuring me that she “just needs a little help breathing”. I still had to deliver the placenta, but all I could keep asking was…is my daughter OK? It felt like time had stopped as I lay there waiting to hear her cry. But still, nothing.

She was then taken with my partner into a room across the hall where they pushed the emergency alarm for her. I was left in the delivery suite getting stitched up, hearing all the commotion and wondering if my baby was alive. The staff did a wonderful job of trying to keep me calm, but it only went so far. I started to officially panic and the midwife just held my hand as I laid there helpless, crying, in shock and of course thinking the worst.

Once I eventually got into the other room, it was like I was having an out of body experience. I genuinely thought I was standing there watching my daughter die. The room felt incredibly small with what felt like 100 people in there, each with an important role to help my baby. We had someone standing with us, talking us through what was happening and helping us absorb the situation. She looked so tiny and helpless on the table by herself, and all I wanted to do was comfort her. Thankfully, the amazing doctors were able to stabilise her and I got to hold my daughters hand and let her know everything was going to be OK. She was to be transferred to the NICU at Canberra Hospital and I was also to go over there as a patient myself.

Because Tilly was being transferred in a special neonatal vehicle in what looked like some sort of mini spaceship, it was going to take a little while for her to get to Canberra Hospital and then get set up in NICU . So we packed up our things, left Queanbeyan hospital without our baby and drove ourselves over to Canberra Hospital to make sure we were there when she arrived. I hadn’t eaten for two days so we made a pit stop at KFC. It was the most bizarre feeling eating a zinger box in the car park…with no baby…in a nappy…after what had just happened.

Unfortunately, my partner and I were not allowed to be in the NICU together with Tilly because of COVID restrictions and we couldn’t hold her because she was hooked up to a breathing machine and many other tubes. My partner got sent home and we all spent our first night as a family apart. Our first cuddles with her were also seperate. It was really tough.

The week following Tilly’s birth and being swept up in the world of NICU gave me a new perspective on life and defined me as a mum. The sound of her breathing machine may forever haunt me, but that memory will always be overpowered by the moment we were finally alone together for the first time as a family, days after the birth. No doctors. No tubes. Just us.

The world of NICU is one that no parent should have to experience, but I must give huge praise to the amazing staff for their support, love and comfort. We were lucky to only be there for a short time in comparison to what some of the other families were going through.

Thankfully, Tilly made a speedy recovery and passed all her tests with flying colours with no long term issues. We were eventually transferred back to Queanbeyan Hospital to get after-care and breastfeeding help before being sent home just shy of a week after the birth.

It wasn’t until 4 months after Tilly’s birth, when we had a debrief with the OB, that I truly understood, and processed, the trauma of the birth. I received formal counselling and continue to heal in my own way, as does my partner.

I am grateful every day for our amazing healthy daughter. We are now 9 months on and I am getting to know her little firecracker personality - I know there was no way she wasn’t going to pull through her tough start to life.

What do you wish you knew before birth?

That they let the epidural wear off before you start pushing.

If you could, would you do anything differently?

Not take a sleeping pill. Have someone/my partner take photos during the labour and have someone lined up to take some the moment she was born.

If I didn’t get the epidural I think I would have liked to stay in the bath the whole time.

What did your partner do that really helped during labour/birth?

My partner was right by my side when I needed him, and he knew when to keep his distance when I just needed to go within myself and shut everything out.

I was also so grateful he was able to be with Tilly in her first moments earth side, when I couldn’t be.

During our calm birthing course there was a whole section on what the dads can do during labour/birth which we both found extremely helpful. We even had a list.

For example…think for her, make sure she drinks water, advocate for her, don’t comment on the time, don’t have stinky breath…etc. It was extremely helpful.

What advice/honest truth would give a mama-to-be about birth?

I personally found birth to be more brutal than beautiful.

Contractions are like nothing you could ever imagine, but it is amazing what you can endure.

You’ll be in nappies along with your baby.