When brooke met oskie
Brooke beautifully and openly shares the birth of her daughter, Oskie, and how she suffered deeply with pre-natal depression.
During her struggles, which included separating from the father of her daughter, Brooke had fears for the future and a deep-seated sadness. But, she also experienced a great sense of purpose and overwhelming joy at the knowledge that she was going to become a mother. All she wanted in the lead up to the birth was to birth Oskie with love.
And thats exactly what she did.
Brooke tells her birth story in her own words…
I had a really wonderful pregnancy physically. No morning sickness, no adverse side affects, no aches and pains. I did have gestational diabetes, which turned out to be a blessing in disguise as I became the healthiest I’d ever been. I did my best not to brag but I had a lot of mothers curse me, in jest, about how lucky I was to be experiencing pregnancy with such ease. I was however fighting a very severe mental battle during my pregnancy. I suffered very deeply with pre-natal depression. I didn’t realise how bad it was until I came out the other side.
The father of my daughter and I had separated prior to me becoming pregnant. We weren’t able to be together but I still loved him during my pregnancy. Our situation was often hard and painful for me to grasp, especially alone. Not only was I growing a baby, I was dealing with so many different hormones and the dreams of what could, but wouldn't, be. I was so scared my daughter would be born sad, having been surrounded by all the sadness I felt inside. Through all this pain I still held a place for him in my heart and so I chose to continue to love him. We didn’t need to be together for that. Loving him allowed my daughter to grow in that love. I will always be proud of myself for choosing to feel love and kindness even when I was hurting so deeply.
We remained in touch every now and then and chose our daughters name together. I did all appointments and preparations for the birth on my own, with continual support from my mum and family.
I had all consuming fears for the future and a deep seated sadness, one that I tried to tackle on my own. I wanted to prove to myself that I could do this, by myself. It wasn't until I was sitting in my car in the underground car park at Southpoint, in tears, unable to move and unsure where to go that I realised I needed to reach out to someone. I called Beyond Blue and that was when I started to allow myself to get help. My medication was increased, I was referred to Brighter Beginnings and I was signed up to the Perinatal Wellbeing Clinic. While the darkness didn't leave, I was supported to get through it, taking each day one at a time. I was reminded over and over again of the joy that came with knowing that I was going to bring a baby, my daughter, into this world. This support, and that initial strength to finally reach out, helped me reach the end of my pregnancy and the birth of my daughter.
Due to my gestational diabetes and need for insulin during my pregnancy, I was recommended to be induced. Every appointment my fingers were crossed that they’d tell me I needed to get her out now. I was just so desperate to meet my darling girl. At one of my very last appointments, they shared with me the window in which I would be called into the hospital. My bags were packed and ready to go and I could barely sleep with all the excitement as the window for my induction started to approach.
They called me in on the final day of the window, of course, and my mum and I made the journey to the hospital. We were at Canberra Hospital and I cannot fault my experience. We had different midwives and doctors all the time and all of them were wonderful.
On the first day they attempted the balloon method, however every time they popped it in, it would pop right back out. They then inserted the hormone tape overnight which started my contractions. In the morning they took out the tape as my contractions were quite intense and frequent. I was told that I would have my waters broken that day but as we waited it turned out some other mothers and babies needed help first. I am an incredibly impatient person but for some reason this time it was easy to wait because I knew she’d be here when it was time. There were no developments until the next morning.
I was woken up at 5:30 to a midwife opening the door and telling me that they were going to break my waters. It was so incredibly exciting and unexpected. I messaged my daughter’s father to tell him we were on and I’d let him know when to come in. My waters were broken and I loved it, the sensation of the wet and warmth coming freely out of me marked the start of my daughters birth.
I was given an oxytocin drip to elevate the contractions and boy did they elevate. I was very blasé about my birth plan but I’d wanted to give all natural a go. I’m not a tough cookie when it comes to pain so the contractions sent the all natural approach out the window. The gas did nothing and I was starting to get angry and sad and feelings of helplessness. I then asked for the epidural and when that kicked in, I felt incredible.
I thought I would be, but I wasn’t disappointed in myself for asking for the epidural. I know my strength and it does not align with pain tolerance. My strength does however align with seeing the positives in situations and throughout the birth of my daughter I was able to see that each hurdle to jump was just a step closer to meeting the love of my life.
My daughter’s father arrived at the perfect time as I was just about to start pushing. He sat and watched and my mum stood beside me. Due to the epidural, I couldn’t feel any pain but I could still use my legs and feel the contractions. I pushed for 2 hours and loved it. In between pushes, we were all talking, telling stories and laughing. I wanted to keep going for as long as they’d let me but my baby was quite comfortable where she was. She had rotated so we needed to spin her back round. The Dr came in and let me know that we would try with her hand first and then the vacuum, that we might need to use the forceps and if that was the case I’d need an episiotomy. To every option they gave me my response was always ‘do what you gotta do’ with a smile on my face.
So that’s how Oskie came into the world, with all those different techniques to help me through the birth process and bring Oskie safely into the world. The Dr said ‘are you ready to meet your daughter?’ I looked up at my mum, we both burst into tears, I said yes and I pushed for the last time. Oskie was laid straight onto my chest and my whole entire world changed with that final push.
A surprisingly wonderful part of the birth was when the placenta came out. It was as if my gestational diabetes left with the placenta and took my pre natal depression with it. With my heart and mind so much clearer I was then able to reflect on this emotional journey.
All I had wanted in the lead up to the big day was to birth Oskie with love. And that’s all I felt. All the pain and suffering in my pregnancy were overshadowed completely and seemed so utterly small during her birth. Her father was there, whose love we once shared gave me my daughter. My mum was there, who has loved and supported me through childhood, adulthood and now into motherhood. All the midwives and doctors in the room were so happy and excited to be part of this journey with me. The whole experience was filled with love, joy and laughter, all the best parts of life that I wish for my darling daughter Oskie.
What do you wish you knew before birth?
I’m not sure, I kinda went in not knowing what to expect and I think I preferred it that way. Less opportunity for me to panic about things out of my control!
If you could, would you do anything differently?
I’d have the birth filmed! I wish I could watch my daughter being born one more time.
What did your partner do that really helped during labour/birth?
My mother was my birth partner and she was there for the whole birth. She laughed with me, cried with me and ensured that the space was full of conversation, humour and fun.
What advice/honest truth would give a mama-to-be about birth?
Every birth experience is different, any advice I were to give wouldn’t even be relevant to 99% of births. But I would say, take a look at your placenta if you can stomach it, it’s pretty amazing.